Reader Email: If The Barstool Chicago Crew Were The Cast Of Entourage, Who Would They Be?
The internet STINKS today, and with Barstool Chicago's new Sirius show now under way, I'm thrown off my routine a little bit. We're all morning guys in the Chicago office as we all used to be cube rats in the past (sans Eddie), so being on radio from 9-10am every day is right in the heart of our "afternoons" when we're typically blogging/filming videos/what have you.
So instead of scouring through pics of Pat Mahomes making out with his GF after the Super Bowl last night to find random stories of people from Florida having sex with farm animals to blog about, I figured do a little mailbag where the Stoolies catch a glimpse of the inside of my brain. Now I'm not a smart man, but that doesn't mean I'm a man who doesn't have a take on anything and everything. So let's have at it
Food question to start. Go fucking figure. Portillo's is fine. Good burgers and salads but their beef is ehhhh. If you are visiting Chicago, ask someone at Barstool Chicago to direct you to a better beef spot that's not all touristy.
That said I had Portillo's out in Arizona last March because Arizona food SUCKS. Got myself a beef and a cake shake. It hit the spot because almost everything else is inedible out there. But to answer your question, if anything it's overrated because it's the one beef place Chicago is known for nationally and has a national brand while also being not all that great compared to more localized options. That said if you live in a dump like Cleveland it's probably on par with escargot or something of that ilk. Fine dining like you read about.
She's been truant from school for like a decade at this point. If I'm her principal I'm making her drive around Stockholm in a Hummer with a Diesel engine for as many days as she's been out of school. Eye for an eye punishment.
Mutts. Adopt, don't shop. Seriously go adopt a dog if you have the time to properly take care of one. Dogs are the fucking best.
- Step Brothers
- Elf
- Blades of Glory
- Semipro
- just about every single movie Will Ferrell has a lead role
Notice a trend? I think most Will Ferrell movies STINK. I suppose that's because I have a higher intellect than most. Now Will Ferrell is great as an ancillary character; Old School, Austin Powers, Zoolander - all classics. But fucking HATE the movies I named above. None of them are funny to me at all yet people love them. Blades of Glory might legitimately the worst movie I've ever seen in my life.
We get this question a lot at Barstool Chicago. I'm far from a club guy Here's are the basics you have to have on any agenda for a Chicago bachelor party. The number one rule is this: Do NOT come here during the winter
Do this:
1. Go to Wrigley Field for all of the tourist reasons/bar scene even though I fucking loathe that whole area personally.
2. Charter a boat and go to the playpen on the Lake
3A. IF a club guy group - get bottle service at Tao or some other club in River North. Watch out for dog shit on the side walks and be prepared to drop a billion dollars
3B. If NOT a club guy group - hit up Old Town (strip between North Ave and Division Street on Wells Street) or Gold Coast (strip between Wells Street and Lasalle Street on Division Ave.). Great mix of non-22 year old douche bags like Wrigley and non-club scene. It has it all; Irish Pubs (Declan's), good food options, 4am bars, etc. Easily the best area in the city for fun.,
I'd recommend AirBnB'ing it in Old Town or Lincoln Park that way you're a short walk/uber to anywhere you want to go. For food get a rezz at Chicago Cut and I always recommend going to Phil's Pizza on 35th street if you want true Chicago Pizza and can spare an hour and a half (tops) out of your night. If not, go hit up Pequod's for deep dish in Lincoln Park (it's better than Lou Mal's or Giordano's)
Other than that just get super fucked up and enjoy what is the best summer city on the planet.
There is a correct answer to this age old debate, and it's whatever you prefer (the correct answer is (au natural) tits)
Hello Beefloaf, 9 days until pitchers and catchers report. I don't know why but I'm now known as the shot guy in the office. I guess it's because I'm the most reckless when I consume alcohol? I guess we'll go in order of my least frequently ordered shot to most
5. Malort (people who say it's disgusting are just wrong, it's not THAT bad)
4. Vegas bombs (for when I'm hanging out with that pansy Chief because he handles liquor like an 18 year old chick)
3. Soco/lime
2. Tequila
1. Jameson. The 100 proof gives you the most bang for your buck and I love me my whiskey
I can't do vodka shots because I still have memories from my first time drinking ever when I consumed so much vodka I almost died.
You should have prefaced this question if you have a soul or not. Me? I do not. The "my aunt died" excuse typically works because anyone that would question its validity is an asshole. If you do have a soul? I'd go with something along the lines of "I'm sick"
Most companies build sick days into their PTO plans and 99% of the time bosses don't give a fuck if you miss a day of work unless you are constantly calling in sick and taking advantage. Assuming you're not, don't worry about coming up with some elaborate plan. If you are, you're overthinking it. Just say you feel like shit, need sleep and you'll see them tomorrow. If they ask you if you're feeling better the next day, say "yes, I took a shower nap and feel like a million bucks" and it'll be forgotten by the time you finish your sentence.
If you REALLY want to sell it, call in sick two days in a row. Really milk it and have your superior thinking you're on your death bed when really you're just catching up on reruns of Maury.
If I were hypothetically giving advice on where a hypothetical underage kid would try to use a fake, I'd hypothetically say Halligan's on Lincoln and Orchard, but I would never condone underage consumption or misrepresentation of age, so I'm not going to go down that route. Wait until you're 21 to start drinking. That's what you should do.
Me - Vinny (based off looks, not personality)
Chief - Dom (based off looks AND personality)
Carl - Harvey (based off temper)
Eddie - Arnold the Dog
Danny - Lloyd
Camera Guy Matt - Shauna
Scottie Puppen - Ari Gold
1. Is Rosati's considered national? If it is I'd go with them. I know they have restaurants located in places not Chicago. Otherwise prob Papa Johns? Not sure because it's all trash.
2. I'll let the comment section answer this one because I'm sure there are plenty of cocksmen down there, but I just always assume they're on it already if they're banging a dude as ugly as I am. If a girl is banging me then the last thing she wants to do is get pregnant and have to explain to the world that I'm the father of her bastard child. That'd be completely unbecoming for all parties involved. She'll nip that in the bud before it gets to that point.
Until next time. I hope you learned something about how my brain works and laughed in the process. See everyone tomorrow morning at 9am on Sirius 85.